Thoughts on Dust

"Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return."

That's what the priest says on Ash Wednesday as he or she takes the ashes from the previous year's palms used on Palm Sunday, mixes them with oil and traces a cross on your forehead.

What exactly is one supposed to make of a remembrance of decay? It's a grim remembrance and I at least remember it all day when I find soot on my fingers and sleeves. As much as I hate to admit it, my first thoughts on the phrase are fearful. Once I believed that the God of the Bible was one who would control people by fear. Fear of punishment, fear of hell, fear of being ungrateful, fear of disappointing.

But I don't believe that now. So what am I to make of this remembrance now?

I don't know. As Carrie Newcomer sings, "I don't know what happens when people die." And that's what this dust to dust thing is about---death, right? I don't like not knowing. Surely there is a solid answer and I ought to know it.

Yes, there are many who would offer me solid answers with so much certainty that my unknowing would seem intentional. And I suppose it is. You see I tried certain answers. I liked certain answers. I liked the power they gave me to avoid the fear of uncertainty, the power to dismiss mystery. But the God of the Bible is a God of mystery. A God who says "I form light and create darkness, I make weal and create woe; I the Lord do all these things" (Isaiah 45:7) is a God who challenges my easy, comfortable answers.

This is not where I planned to be in my twenties. No, I was trained to be a woman of the church. A woman of a specific church. I expected to be teaching by this age in a school and in a church. These days it seems that what I know is not so readily taught.

These days I have to admit that I am dead. The I who believed uncomplicated truths, the I who believed she had found the Truth before living a quarter of a century. She is dead. Sometimes I still mourn for her and grieve for the life she would have lived.

But someone new is being born. She too is me. As Thumbelina who grew from a tiny barley corn, she grows from the seeds of truth planted deep in the dust within. The dust of the dead I.

Lent is about examining the things that keep us from drawing near to God. Lent is about admitting death, decay, sin, and error. Lent is about waiting in the desert, the wilderness, the sacred dark to see what it is of that dead thing we will find resurrected with Christ.

How easy it is for me to think of the Christian life as static or changing only in the ways I want. But we live in cycles of death and new life. God makes us from the dust of the earth and then we find our dreams, our ideals, our understanding, our selves dim and return to the dust. Not to the dust of futility, but the dust of dependence. For as dust we are moulded by the Creator again. As dust to attempt to reform myself is to remain dead. But it is to remain dead to God who would make me again in Imago Dei.

"Almighty and ever living God, you hate nothing you have made and forgive the sins of all who are penitent: Create in us new and contrite hearts..." --Book of Common Prayer; collect for Ash Wednesday

"Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return."

Remember and do not fear, for the same God who made you once will make you again and again with a new and contrite heart.

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In the past I've tried keeping Lent by fasting and abstaining, but those are only one form of discipline. This year I'll be adding things back into my life--devotions and remembrances in keeping a holy Lent.

Below is a phone* wallpaper I made to help myself in this remembrance. It is here for you to use if you too would find a reminder helpful in keeping a Holy Lent.

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

*The image is designed to fit perfectly on an Iphone 5 lock screen, but will work on other devices.

How Do You Like Me Now?

In December I posted about designing a planner for the new year to meet my needs. Given how briefly I used my planner design last year before giving up it seemed about time for a check-in.

I printed the designs on Claire Fontaine “Graf- it” paper. This paper is only available in pads, but tears out easily and ran through my cheap HP printer just fine. The paper is 8x11 instead of standard letter and I sometimes miss that extra half an inch, but I really enjoy being able to use watercolors in my planner. It’s not thick enough for a full on painting, but I’ve enjoyed adding in some watercolor doodles.

My faux-dori with charm and bookmarks

After folding the printed pages, I used waxed thread and made them into saddle-stitch booklets. Instead of binding the booklets into a single use cover I followed Sea Lemon’s tutorial to make a Traveler style notebook. I used a 8.5x11 sheet of 2mm leather that I purchased from Michaels and with embroidery floss added another 3.5 inch piece so that if I wanted my notebook to be chunky, inserts wouldn’t hang out. As opposed to the single use covers, this setup has allowed me to make some adjustments over the last month. More about that to come.

Monthly overview with doodles

When I designed the layout I wanted to have variety available in how my months or weeks would look. It has been fun filling in the months and using colors that feel right to me for each month, especially embellished with some month-appropriate doodles. I’m using a single cupcake from my birthday stickers to mark birthdays on the monthly overview and a whole cupcake sticker on the day in the weekly view. I like being able to pair things up this way so I don’t forget again if I’m only in referencing the weekly view.

Sample (clean) weekly notes page

Possibly the most important element of this planner to me was the weekly notes page. When I first added the polar graphs to the layout I almost removed them, but two months in and I’m really enjoying them! I haven’t used the graphs like a spiral-dex as I had planed, but I like knowing that I can easily do so for a given day or week. Instead I have a few standard things I do daily and the charts have been a great way for me to visualize them. For example on one chart I use an entire wedge to represent my “meditation” post to Instagram.

Samples for charting out my daily word-count on a story

My most used chart is where I keep track of daily words written for a story I’m drafting out. For writing I use each section of a wedge to represent 200 words. To each her own, but 200 word increments is a sweet spot for me right now. As you can see in the image on the left I was aiming for 800 words a day and using the chart like pie wedges. Last week I tried a new variation on the writing chart to up my daily goal from 800 to 1k. This method is similar to a spiral-dex moving from inner to outer. The picture is from last Monday to show the lines better, but it was a great success last week and I met my goal every day!

Originally I had intended to keep the week notes page entirely blank for weekly to-do’s, sketches, etc. I’ve found that with the graphs along the left side of the notes page I still have room for weekly notes, quotes, and doodles. An added bonus is that with the chart I feel an incentive to do that task each day—a blank or partial wedge drives me crazy!

Beta pocket folder design

So about the traveler’s setup. I made some extra bands with the elastic leftover from making the notebook and have 6 (or 7 depending on how you count) inserts. Besides the five inserts for the planner I also have a notebook with mixed blank and lined pages and a folder with 12 pockets, which shares an elastic with a four sheets of “blog planner” pages from Ray Blake. The notebook insert allows me to make this the ultimate meeting notebook: calendar + notes = success! Also, the paper in the no-name notebook I picked up is fountain pen friendly and can hold water color as well as the Claire Fontaine “Graf It.” When I realized that I would be reading a lot this semester it was great to be able to add in a folder suitable for index cards. I’m still testing out my beta design, but so far I’m really enjoying the pocket insert. The beta design has three index card pockets on the front cover and opens to four 6x 8.5 pockets and two more index pockets. So many index cards!

Two months in and there are only three things I would change. First, I would have printed on letter paper instead of slightly smaller. Secondly, I want a way to turn directly to a given month without twelve bookmarks dangling. This isn’t a large problem as I’m currently working on some stickers to make tabs for each month. Mostly, I wish I would have done this sooner!